Monday, November 30, 2009

30 post in 30 days

I did it. I wrote 30 blog posts in 30 days. I know, I'm cool.

I started this blog with an agenda. After a few failed attempts, I wanted a place where I could write whatever the hell I wanted, and I did. I also wrote about things I never thought I would. I talked about myself. That was never the plan. However, doing it helped me learn a little more about myself.

I like to get a rise out of people, and I will keep doing it. Still, no matter how hard I try to be the "bad" guy, I still make the "good" decisions. As usual, my wife was right.

Writing has become fun again. With this blog, I finally found that creative outlet I've been searching for. Doing it makes my brain feel good.

I hope enjoyed reading I Laugh at Others this past month as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Those of you that did, I say Thank You.

Those of you that didn't, can go to hell!

Sunday, November 29, 2009

No returns

What has happened to commerce in America? Why is it so difficult to return a item you purchased? It's the time of giving. in 26 days, it will be the time of returning. But will you be able to do it?

Yesterday, I bought a new lamp for my DLP television. I stood in line and payed for the lamp. But before I could leave, the checkout girl handed me a piece of paper.

Her" "You need to sign this."
Me: "What is it?"
Her: "It says you can't return the item."
Me: "What?"
Her: We have a no return policy on these items."
Me: "I'm not going to sign this. What if it's the wrong item? What if there is something wrong with it?"
Her: "I don't know what to tell ya."
Me: "Then I'm not going to sign it."
Her: "I need to get my manager."
Me: "Yes, you do!"

The manager finally came over and told me that if there is something wrong with it, they will take it back. But it has to be their fault.

Well guess what. It is!

The fucking thing doesn't fit! I asked the sales guy, and the manager about the part number. They both insisted that it would fit. But it doesn't. I tried for nearly an hour, and nothing I did would make it fit.

So guess what I get to do tomorrow. I get to go back to the store and fight with a manager over this item that they said would fit, but didn't. They sure as hell better return it, or we are going to have a serious problem!

I'll let you know how it goes.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Today, I am everyman

I did it. I became everyman today. Gone are the expensive European sports cars. They have been replaced with a Japanese built compact. Yep, it's parked right out there in my driveway. I hope I can go on.

It's hard to take a step down from the hill once you have tasted the nectar from the Gods. I'll tell you, it is so nice to be on top. It's an amazing feeling to drive a car from 0-60 in less than 5 seconds. It's every man's dream to win that race. For the past 4 years, I have been living that dream.

But it's time to look at it from the other side of the fence. No more $600 car payments. My insurance is going down like $70 a month. I don't have to pay $100 for an oil change. It's not going to cost me $500 to license it every year. I don't have to park in the middle of nowhere so people won't touch it.

But best of all, it only cost me $25 to fill it up!

Things a are good. Thanks for asking.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Why can't people drive?

I hate Black Friday. As much as I hated doing it, I did have to venture out today and fight with all the idiots driving to all the stores. I swear, it's like "black out Friday" for half the people behind the wheel.

The thing I don't understand is this; if the stores open at Midnight, or 5 a.m. why are all those people they still on the road at 2:00 p.m.? Don't they need sleep? I think so. It doesn't take alcohol or drugs for you to back into a car in the parking lot. I'm no young kid out partying all night anymore. But I will tell you this, after staying up all night and driving home at 5 am, I was damn tired. And I wasn't out fighting with old ladies over a discounted toy!

There needs to be some sort of age limit on staying out all night after consuming Turkey. You know, the tryptophan. It's like a drug. And mixing it with all night shopping and then getting behind the wheel, that is a bad holiday cocktail!

I plan on getting up early tomorrow to do my shopping. I figure everyone else will be home in bed nursing a Turkey hangover. I should have my run of the stores, free to roam the stores without some woman fighting me for a video game.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

I lied

Yes, I told a fib. Well, not a fib, more like a mistruth. Or as Rodger Clemens would say, I "misremembered". Whatever you want to call it, tomorrow I will be shopping.

I did go out Wednesday night and buy everything I needed. Well, just about everything. I forgot that I need to buy a car. I have nothing to drive. No vehicle to get me around. No way to get to work on Monday. So tomorrow, I'm going to get up early and go out car shopping.

Normally this would be a fun thing to do. However I am not excited about it at all. The traffic is going to suck, and who knows what kind of deal I am going to find. But the big bummer is that I am going to end up buying a car. Just a regular car. Nothing flashy nor stylish. Just an average everyday car that gets good gas mileage and has a great resale value.

At least I am fortunate to be in this position. So today I am thankful for that. But this is a big hit to my ego. It's a hard pill to swallow. Reality has strange ways of punching you in the gut, and damn mine hurts.

Wish me luck out there.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Kenny was wrong

I talked about my car yesterday, and how he was gone. I'm still sad about it. But I am feeling a little better about it now because I was left with was a big check. A big check that nobody was willing to cash for me.

After checking with three different banks yesterday, I finally found one that was willing to cash it for me. I don't understand what the big deal is. I find it odd that a bank can't cash a check because they don't have enough money. It's a bank. They have money in there. So why don't they have enough to cash my check?

The check was big, but not that big. I mean I couldn't go out and buy a Porsche or a new kid where Angelina Jolie buys hers. But for me, it's a good chunk of change.

The bank had to "order" the money for me. They told me to come back today after lunch and they would have it ready for me. When I arrived, they were waiting, with money in hand. Literally, the guy pulled the stacks out of his drawer and put them on the counter. Then he put into one of those cool money counting machines that drug dealers use, and in 7 seconds, it was all counted and ready to go.

I started to get nervous when I realized I had to walk out of the bank and through a grocery store and then to my car with all that cash. But don't worry, he offered me a bag to put it in. It was a bright pink, nearly see-through plastic bag that everyone could see. Did I mention the total gang banger to my left, and the rednecks to the right? They were watching this guy count out all the money, then shout to the girl across the room, "$Blahbidy One Thousand". I was sure these lovely gentlemen were going to "introduce" themselves to me in the parking lot. What I mean is that they were going to jump me and beat the shit out of me until they got my new bright pink designer plastic bag.

But I made it. I was scared as hell as I ran to my car, but I made it. Amidst all the excitement, I never bothered to count the money. I was just trying to make it home with that sweet ass plastic bag. That was a bad decision. Because once I got home, I realized they shorted me $1000! Yes, an entire Grand! 10 - $100 bills. I wanted to vomit!

I jumped back in the car and made my way back to the bank. I was sure there would be a problem when I told them. I bet people say they were shorted money all the time. But this wasn't $1, or $10 bucks, this was a 83 Chevy Chevette. This was a plane ticket to London. This was $1000!

When I walked into the bank, the manager was standing at the front of the line. She looked at me and said, "Are you missing something?". Before I knew it, the guy who forgot to give me all of my money was counting it out. Again, right there on the counter in front of everyone.

The moral of the story? Kenny Rodgers was wrong. You sure as hell better count your money, while your sitting at the table. If you wait until the dealin's done, you might get screwed.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

It's a sad day

About this time three years ago, I ordered my car. It would be a grueling 10 months before I would ever lay my eyes upon him. But once I did, it was love at first sight.

In September of 2007, I flew to Munich Germany to finally pick him up. I spent the next 8 days driving on the famous Autobahns of Germany and Austria. A dream come true.

Today, the relationship came to an end. I'm sad, but it needed to be done. It was for the best. I have plenty of pictures and many memories of the two amazing years we spent together.

I'm going to miss him.