30 post in 30 days

I did it. I wrote 30 blog posts in 30 days. I know, I'm cool.

I started this blog with an agenda. After a few failed attempts, I wanted a place where I could write whatever the hell I wanted, and I did. I also wrote about things I never thought I would. I talked about myself. That was never the plan. However, doing it helped me learn a little more about myself.

I like to get a rise out of people, and I will keep doing it. Still, no matter how hard I try to be the "bad" guy, I still make the "good" decisions. As usual, my wife was right.

Writing has become fun again. With this blog, I finally found that creative outlet I've been searching for. Doing it makes my brain feel good.

I hope enjoyed reading I Laugh at Others this past month as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Those of you that did, I say Thank You.

Those of you that didn't, can go to hell!

No returns

What has happened to commerce in America? Why is it so difficult to return a item you purchased? It's the time of giving. in 26 days, it will be the time of returning. But will you be able to do it?

Yesterday, I bought a new lamp for my DLP television. I stood in line and payed for the lamp. But before I could leave, the checkout girl handed me a piece of paper.

Her" "You need to sign this."
Me: "What is it?"
Her: "It says you can't return the item."
Me: "What?"
Her: We have a no return policy on these items."
Me: "I'm not going to sign this. What if it's the wrong item? What if there is something wrong with it?"
Her: "I don't know what to tell ya."
Me: "Then I'm not going to sign it."
Her: "I need to get my manager."
Me: "Yes, you do!"

The manager finally came over and told me that if there is something wrong with it, they will take it back. But it has to be their fault.

Well guess what. It is!

The fucking thing doesn't fit! I asked the sales guy, and the manager about the part number. They both insisted that it would fit. But it doesn't. I tried for nearly an hour, and nothing I did would make it fit.

So guess what I get to do tomorrow. I get to go back to the store and fight with a manager over this item that they said would fit, but didn't. They sure as hell better return it, or we are going to have a serious problem!

I'll let you know how it goes.

Today, I am everyman

I did it. I became everyman today. Gone are the expensive European sports cars. They have been replaced with a Japanese built compact. Yep, it's parked right out there in my driveway. I hope I can go on.

It's hard to take a step down from the hill once you have tasted the nectar from the Gods. I'll tell you, it is so nice to be on top. It's an amazing feeling to drive a car from 0-60 in less than 5 seconds. It's every man's dream to win that race. For the past 4 years, I have been living that dream.

But it's time to look at it from the other side of the fence. No more $600 car payments. My insurance is going down like $70 a month. I don't have to pay $100 for an oil change. It's not going to cost me $500 to license it every year. I don't have to park in the middle of nowhere so people won't touch it.

But best of all, it only cost me $25 to fill it up!

Things a are good. Thanks for asking.

Why can't people drive?

I hate Black Friday. As much as I hated doing it, I did have to venture out today and fight with all the idiots driving to all the stores. I swear, it's like "black out Friday" for half the people behind the wheel.

The thing I don't understand is this; if the stores open at Midnight, or 5 a.m. why are all those people they still on the road at 2:00 p.m.? Don't they need sleep? I think so. It doesn't take alcohol or drugs for you to back into a car in the parking lot. I'm no young kid out partying all night anymore. But I will tell you this, after staying up all night and driving home at 5 am, I was damn tired. And I wasn't out fighting with old ladies over a discounted toy!

There needs to be some sort of age limit on staying out all night after consuming Turkey. You know, the tryptophan. It's like a drug. And mixing it with all night shopping and then getting behind the wheel, that is a bad holiday cocktail!

I plan on getting up early tomorrow to do my shopping. I figure everyone else will be home in bed nursing a Turkey hangover. I should have my run of the stores, free to roam the stores without some woman fighting me for a video game.

I lied

Yes, I told a fib. Well, not a fib, more like a mistruth. Or as Rodger Clemens would say, I "misremembered". Whatever you want to call it, tomorrow I will be shopping.

I did go out Wednesday night and buy everything I needed. Well, just about everything. I forgot that I need to buy a car. I have nothing to drive. No vehicle to get me around. No way to get to work on Monday. So tomorrow, I'm going to get up early and go out car shopping.

Normally this would be a fun thing to do. However I am not excited about it at all. The traffic is going to suck, and who knows what kind of deal I am going to find. But the big bummer is that I am going to end up buying a car. Just a regular car. Nothing flashy nor stylish. Just an average everyday car that gets good gas mileage and has a great resale value.

At least I am fortunate to be in this position. So today I am thankful for that. But this is a big hit to my ego. It's a hard pill to swallow. Reality has strange ways of punching you in the gut, and damn mine hurts.

Wish me luck out there.

Kenny was wrong

I talked about my car yesterday, and how he was gone. I'm still sad about it. But I am feeling a little better about it now because I was left with was a big check. A big check that nobody was willing to cash for me.

After checking with three different banks yesterday, I finally found one that was willing to cash it for me. I don't understand what the big deal is. I find it odd that a bank can't cash a check because they don't have enough money. It's a bank. They have money in there. So why don't they have enough to cash my check?

The check was big, but not that big. I mean I couldn't go out and buy a Porsche or a new kid where Angelina Jolie buys hers. But for me, it's a good chunk of change.

The bank had to "order" the money for me. They told me to come back today after lunch and they would have it ready for me. When I arrived, they were waiting, with money in hand. Literally, the guy pulled the stacks out of his drawer and put them on the counter. Then he put into one of those cool money counting machines that drug dealers use, and in 7 seconds, it was all counted and ready to go.

I started to get nervous when I realized I had to walk out of the bank and through a grocery store and then to my car with all that cash. But don't worry, he offered me a bag to put it in. It was a bright pink, nearly see-through plastic bag that everyone could see. Did I mention the total gang banger to my left, and the rednecks to the right? They were watching this guy count out all the money, then shout to the girl across the room, "$Blahbidy One Thousand". I was sure these lovely gentlemen were going to "introduce" themselves to me in the parking lot. What I mean is that they were going to jump me and beat the shit out of me until they got my new bright pink designer plastic bag.

But I made it. I was scared as hell as I ran to my car, but I made it. Amidst all the excitement, I never bothered to count the money. I was just trying to make it home with that sweet ass plastic bag. That was a bad decision. Because once I got home, I realized they shorted me $1000! Yes, an entire Grand! 10 - $100 bills. I wanted to vomit!

I jumped back in the car and made my way back to the bank. I was sure there would be a problem when I told them. I bet people say they were shorted money all the time. But this wasn't $1, or $10 bucks, this was a 83 Chevy Chevette. This was a plane ticket to London. This was $1000!

When I walked into the bank, the manager was standing at the front of the line. She looked at me and said, "Are you missing something?". Before I knew it, the guy who forgot to give me all of my money was counting it out. Again, right there on the counter in front of everyone.

The moral of the story? Kenny Rodgers was wrong. You sure as hell better count your money, while your sitting at the table. If you wait until the dealin's done, you might get screwed.

It's a sad day

About this time three years ago, I ordered my car. It would be a grueling 10 months before I would ever lay my eyes upon him. But once I did, it was love at first sight.

In September of 2007, I flew to Munich Germany to finally pick him up. I spent the next 8 days driving on the famous Autobahns of Germany and Austria. A dream come true.

Today, the relationship came to an end. I'm sad, but it needed to be done. It was for the best. I have plenty of pictures and many memories of the two amazing years we spent together.

I'm going to miss him.

I got a flat tire. So why does my ass hurt?

The tire has been slowly leaking air. Not that bad, but ever so slightly. Not a big concern. I'll just take it over to Discount Tire and have it fixed.

So that was my plan. Discount is normally awesome. They get you in, fix your tire for free, and send you on your way. But not this time. This time it is costing me $264.00!

What the hell? That is about $264.00 more than I thought it would be. I'll tell you how.

1. New Tire: $189.00 (This is a deal according to the sales guy)
2. Installation Fee: $15.00
3. Tire Disposal Fee $30.00
4. Environmental Fee: $2.00
5. Tire Pressure Fee: $9.75
6. Rebalance Fee: $10.00
Add on taxes, insurance, market value adjustment, pre Black Friday, DNA test, and credit score, we reach the $264.00...after he gives me a 15% discount.

It must be a sign of the times, the economy, or just because they can.

Black Friday Sucks

Everything is on sale. Come Wednesday, everything will be even more on sale. Even sales stuff will be on sale the minute after Thanksgiving dinner is over.

I am so sick of the term "Black Friday". Black Friday adds, Black Friday Commercials, Black Friday specials, Black Friday Deals, and Black Friday Hours. It's Black Stupid!

Look, here is a commercial right now Black Friday sales event at Sears on all Kenmore Applaiances. You know what, I have been waiting around all year to buy a new washing machine the day after Thanksgiving.

I'm starting it right now, "Green Wednesday". What is Green Wednesday? I'll tell you. Green Wednesday is the day that I will go out, start and finish all my Christmas shopping. Then I can stay home and avoid "Black Friday".

10 Things I hate about weddings

I'm home from the wedding. You know what, I realized how much I hate Weddings. So I'm going to give you the Top 10 Things I hate about Weddings.

10. Why are they so long? Sit, stand, sit stand...keep standing, sit stand...for more than an hour. My glutes had a workout.

9. Why does the food have to suck? Can't we just bring in some good Pizza and Beer?

8. People I'm supposed to know. I don't know them, and I don't care to.

7. Estranged Family. This is always fun. Lets talk to my former cousin who just disapeared 8 years ago and act like nothing happened. Or the Uncle who cheated on my aunt. How odd is this?

6. No open bar. We all need it.

5. The DJ. The Government has got to step in and start regulating these guys. If it's not the bad music, it's the bad jokes.

4. Dancing. I don't dance. So don't try to make me.

3. Music. That woman with the Casio keyboard in the corner playing, "Here Comes the Bride", and "Ave Maria". It's like the first weeks of American Idol.

2. Pictures. I know it is an important day, but how many pictures do you really need? Can you even fit 1,244 photos on your wall? Do they even fit in the Wedding Album? Just point me to the bar.

1. Tossing the Garder. Men don't like this, at all! They would rather touch a Swine Flu infested needle than that garder. Stop doing it.

I have to participate in a wedding

Tomorrow, my cousin is getting married. Honestly, I'm not that happy about it. I love my cousin, but the future spouse, not a fan. So why in the hell do I have to be part of it?

I've never been a fan of the future spouse (FS). I think I have actually met FS 3 times during these past 13 years. It's been an odd relationship. Over the years, there have been stories of infidelity, lying, avoidance, and mooching by the FS.

Because everyone loves my cousin, they want "cousin" to be happy. Honestly, I think cousin is settling because it is getting late, and there has been so much invested in the relationship.

Then I get the news. I get to be part of the wedding. That's right, Babe agreed to be part of the ceremony.

I'm not happy about it. I can't help but try to come up with something that will subtly show my disapproval without anyone really knowing. But I can't. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of ideas. But something subtle isn't my style.

So who knows what will happen. I don't know what I'm going to do, if anything at all. All I am thinking about now, is that I have to wear a fucking tie!

I'm telling you right now, there better be a bar!

Joined my first group

I have been searching for blogs to read. It's been a struggle to say the least. So I went searching for any that I might find remotely interesting. Instead, I found a group.

I joined a group about Germany. It's a group of blogs for people who are German, live in Germany, speak German, used to live in Germany, or people who love Germany. And that's me!

I'm proud to be of German heritage. So proud that I've been learning to speak the language. I hope that by the time I make it back to Berlin next year, I will be able to communicate with the locals. And I hope that I can speak it fluently by 2011, when I head back to Oktoberfest in Munich.

In the mean time, if you know of any blogs, or groups that I might enjoy, please let me know. Honestly, I am growing bored of the average blog. I need something to read that is more than frivolous dribble.

Danke'

Things go from bad, to better

I'm not going to sugar coat it, this year has sucked. I feel like I have spent the last 10 months fighting. Fighting with friends, clients, work, mortgage people, car companies, shop owners, vendors, the state, you name it. But this week, things have changed. I think I can see that light at the end of a long and winding tunnel.

Life is hard. But I don't complain about it. I worry about it. But I don't mope around and complain to everyone about all the shit I have to deal with. I don't whine about how busy I am. I just do it. That's how life is.

I love my family. There is nothing in the world that I love more than them. And no matter what happens with all those people that I have been fighting with, they will still be there to love and support me no matter what.

I have a great life, and it's getting better every day.

Facebook is the new Crack

There are two groups of fans that use Facebook. Those who are completely addicted to it and refuse to admit they have a problem. The second group are the ones who realized they had a problem by either their own self conviction or intervention, and quit.

Facebook is addictive on a dangerous level. People use it at work, download the app on their phone, and are constantly updating it every time they take a shit. I really don't need to know how regular you are, nor do I care.

Then they move on to the imaginary farm, or second life as a gangster in the mob, or their constantly never ending game of Scrabble or Bejewled. Then inbetween moves, they have to update their status and complain about the new Facebook.

When the game is in hiatus, they move on to adding friends. I call these people Friend Whores. They have a need for constant attention and hundreds of friends on their list. I'm willing to bet your imaginary farm, that you couldn't tell me something about half of the people on that list, aside from that last time they took a shit.

I admit to having a Facebook account. But I usually use it to make fun of people, or things I find amusing. I don't play any games, I don't allow many people to be my friend. And most of the things I post about me are fake, and usually center around a single topic.

But what I like to do most is ignore and remove people from my friend list. I get a sick enjoyment out of those who can't understand why I don't want to be their friend. Some notice it right away. Others take a while. And some just don't get it. They keep sending friend requests over and over again. Poor things.

Those of you that have sold the imaginary farm and moved on to greener pastures. Congratulations. Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery.

10 thing that make me laugh

When I was trying to come up with a new name from this blog, I made a list. It was a long list. A list which needed to describe me, and the blog. Some worked, some didn't. In the end, I laugh at others was the perfect name.

I think it goes without saying, that I have no problem laughing at other people. I laugh at:

1. What people say. Some people are just idiots. And they say stupid things. I have no issue with them on a personal basis. But I will laugh at them when they say something stupid.

2. What people wear. Who comes up with fashion? Leg warmers? Parachute pants? Skinny Jeans? Mom Jeans? Jeans hanging off your ass? It is just dumb. I will laugh at you if I see you wearing any of the above, or a stupid ass T-Shirt that says "I love boys who glitter".

3. Songs. Not everyone can have good taste when it comes to music. IE: People actually bought Paris Hilton's CD. Enough said! And why would my hetrosexual male boss actually download Abba's Greatest Hits?

4. Falling down. If I see someone trip or fall, I can't help but laugh. I don;t care if you are in a mall, on the street, or going down the stairs. If you fall, and I see you, I'm going to laugh. I might ask you if you are ok, but you're going to have to give me a minute to catch my breath.

5. Crying in a movie. It's a fucking movie. It's not real life. Sure, i got choked up when the Diamondbacks beat the Yankees in whe World Series, but that wasn't a movie. That was real life! So suck it Yankee fans!

6. Drunk People. See #4 above. Drunk people are the best. I love watching people get drunk. See #1. Who knows what is going to come out of their mouth. As long as it isn't puke, I'm ok with it. Unless it is in the street and not my house, then I will laugh my ass off.

7. Mulletts. It wasn't a good look in the 80's, so why do so many lesbians think it is now?

8. Road Rage. I love it when I see a guy flying in and out of each lane, and getting So Pissed when people don't move out of his way. I can't help it, it makes me laugh. And because I like to antagonize people, I usually slow do my best to block all those holes they thought they were going to squeeze through. I'm sick.

9. Freaks. What kind of messed up childhood did you have to have that made you think that a 1" hole in your ear is a good look? They argue that they don't want to be like everyone else. This I don't get, because they end up looking like their little group. I can't help but laugh at them.

10. Rednecks. My favorite. I can look at just about anything a redneck says, wears, does, builds, or destroys. It will make me laugh every time. Go ahead, type in "redneck" at YouTube.com. See what comes up. Hours of good ol' boy entertainment.

A list of lists

I was thinking about writing out a blog post about a top 10 list. But I can't decide which list. So I have come up with a list, or lists. Here is what I've come up with. Some are better than others.

1. 10 things that piss me off.
2. 10 favorite movies.
3. 10 people who need to be rounded up, and shipped to live on the International Space Station. (aka, people who need to be rounded up and shot)
4. 10 things I want to do.
5. My 10 happy places.
6. 10 cars I want in my garage.
7. 10 jobs I wish I had.
8. 10 things I would buy if I won $10 Million Dollars.
9. 10 things that I think are cool.
10. 10 things I would love to say if I could. So instead I'll say them on here.

Ok, there they are. That should keep me busy for 10 days.

Sorry, but I'm drunk.

I just got home from beerfest, and I don;t know how. I'm sitting here because of stupid Blgo Mof, trying to type. No a good idea.

So I hope this qualifies at a post.

I'll make it up to you tomorrow.

Goodnight

Confession

When I started this blog 2 weeks ago, the hardest part was thinking up a clever title. Most of the ones I wanted were taken. And the rest just were not what I was trying to portray.

The first post I wrote was an exerpt from a real conversation I had recently. Thanks to the addictive world of Facebook, I was able to reconnect with my High School Art teacher after nearly 20 years. Facebook, it's like crack. But more on that later.

I credit Art (the teacher, and the art) him with bringing me out of my shell during those fragile years. Even then, I realized that I would always fight with the Angel on my right, and the devil on my left.

During our conversation, I asked him a bunch of questions. What did he remember about me? What was it that made him remember me after all these years? And he was nice enough to give me a list. You know what, his list nailed me. He was dead on acurate.

Babe always says that I'm not the bad guy I think I am. I'm a guy who gives off a bit of a stuck up attitude. But those who really know me will say that I am not like that, at all. Art said the same thing. And that was about me 20 years ago.

He remembered me as a nice guy who showed respect to my fellow classmates even though I said whatever the hell I wanted no matter the outcome. One time, I even made a girl in our class cry. I didn't know until Art told me, and offered me up to give her a ride home. I honestly felt bad about it. Well, mabey just a little bad.

Deep down inside, I know I'm a nice guy. I help out my friends in need. I go out of my way to do nice things for my family. Although I do like to say things just to stir up trouble. But in the end, I think it makes me a well rounded person.

I hope you agree.

I am a Bad Guy

I've been sick. It's that time of the year. Just your average run of the mill upper respiratory infection, thank God. No Pig Flu!

So when your sick, you go to the pharmacy to get your drugs. Lately, the lines at the DMV are shorter and run smoother that the ones at Walgreen's.

It's taking forever, and I am obviously not in the condition, or the mood to be standing in line like this. I'm not a happy camper.

As I'm standing there, making my displeasure known to everyone around me, I notice a little kid looking at me. He must have been around 4 or 5 years old. He was hanging on his dad's leg, and looking at me with a bit of fear in his eyes.

Now I have been know to give kids "the look". A look that says, get away from me kid. Usually this happens when they are standing on the booth and looking over at us while we are eating, or the kid peering between the seats on the airplane. You know the one. Don't kid yourself, you've done it too. I'm just the one who admits to doing it.

So I was obviously in a bad mood, and I might have given him "the look".

He grips on to his daddy's leg even tighter, and starts poking him.

"Daddy, Daddy.......Daaaady!"
"What Michael"?

Michael turns and looks, then holds up his little hand and points to me.

"Daddy, is that a bad guy?"

His daddy didn't know what to say, and I think was a little embarassed. But he shouldn't have been. He told Michael no, that I wasn't a bad guy.

But how does daddy know, for sure.

But I wanted Michael to know for sure. So I looked down at him, nodded my head, and whisper "Yes I am".

My kids are awesome

Ever day, I step closer to 40. Yet I still feel like a kid. I like to play video games, I still wear t-shirts to work, and I like to play with cars. The t-shirts may have beer logos on them, and the cars are bigger and more expensive than the Hot Wheels versions. No matter how much olders I get, I don’t think I will ever really grow up.

With that said, I have been realizing lately that I have done some amazing things with my life. I have been able to travel all across this great country. Over the past 5 years, I have been very fortunate to see some of the greatest cities of the world. I have met some amazing people, seen some amazing things, and still had the time to raise some amazing kids.

I have 3 kids. Most parents will say that their kids are amazing. But mine really are! And no matter what I have done in life, or will do for the rest of it, my kids will always be my biggest accomplishment.

I realize I might sound a little hypocritical for writing about my kids. But your wrong. I hate reading posts about other peoples kids, not mine. I like my kids. My kids are awesome!

I'm an asshole

I have been quoted as saying, “I’m the biggest asshole I’ve ever met”. This is a true statement. I might even say, it's a mission statement. I’m not afraid to say what I think. And I’m not afraid to start conflict. In fact, I almost enjoy it.

When I started this blog, I promised myself that I wouldn’t hold back. I didn’t want this blog to suffer because someone might get their feelings hurt. Screw them, this is my blog, and I’ll say whatever the hell I want to.

You want to hear something? I think my one of my wife’s best friends is a bitch! Yes, I just said it. She is a complete, bi-polar, passive aggressive, selfish bitch. God, it feels so good to say it. I have always thought she was. But she is Babe’s friend, so I tried to tolerate her to the best of my ability. But I have had enough.

As much as I would love to call her and tell her to fuck off, I decided to remove her from my Facebook friend list. I know, aren’t I a bad ass. But honestly, I'm done with the drama. I hate it. I am over the fakeness, and the constant updates proclaiming she is the best wife in the world. It’s total Bullshit!

This woman really needs some psychological help. Constantly in need of attention, and always looking for something that she will never find. Honestly, I don’t want to deal with it anymore. And to be frank, I don’t want to deal with it from anyone.

So I just made my inner circle a little smaller. I’m sure I upset a few people.

But do you think I really care?

Those who fail to learn from history, are doomed to repeat it.

It was 1938. "Kristallnacht", otherwise known as "The Night of Broken Glass" was in effect. What lasted for two days, was started by a 17 year old boy. Ultimately, an estimated 60 Million people would die as a result of his actions.

On a day which celebrated the 15th anniversary of the Beer Hall Putsch, Propaganda Minister Joseph Goebbels consulted with Adolph Hitler, and made a speech at the Bürgerbräukeller beer hall in Munich where the Putsch had happened fifteen years earlier. In front of a large crowd of Nazis from all over Germany, Goebbles ordered the destruction of Jewish property. Homes, schools, businesses, synagogues, and even cemetarys were destroyed. An estimated 30,000 Jewish men were arrested and sent to concentration camps. This night was a foreshadow of the Holocaust yet to come.

When the war over, Germany was split into 4 seperate zones, each one controlled by the Allies. The French controlled the West, the British coltrolled the North, the United States coltrolled the South, and the Russians controlled the east.

The Russians zone stretched from the Russain border to the Brendenburg gate in Berlin. At first, the people who lived in the east side of Germany could cross over freely into the west side. The majority of Germans living in east Berlin did not want to be under Russian rule. So they started to defect to the west for a better standard of life. The Russian government didn't like the idea of such mass defection of citizens to the west.

Therfore in 1961, almost overnight, they built a wall spanning across their eastern controlled sector. The wall stretched the length of eastern Germany, nearly 96 miles. What started off as a barbed wire fence, ultimatey grew into a 13' tall wall, guarded by 302 guard towers and 20 bunkers and land minds.

More than 5000 people risked their lives and sucessfully escaped to the west. But aproximately 3,800 people were arrested trying to cross the border . And another 280 were either injured or killed trying to escape.

On this day in 1989, demonstrators took over Leipzig's streets. Over 70,000 East German citizens openly challenged the communist regime by taking to the streets of Leipzig Germany, demanding freedom and democracy.

Today is the 20th Anniversary of that special day. Because today, 20 years ago, that wall came down.

What's wrong with being the Bad Guy?

It's a Saturday afternoon, and I surfing through the 745 different channels I have available at the push of a button. Even with the ever expanding choices, I find myself stopping on the History Channel, DIY Network, or the Travel Channel more and more often.

One of the shows I really enjoy is "No Reservations with Anthony Bourdain". The guy is everthing I want to be as a traveler and writer. He has that special ability to entertain with a back handed compliment. And I can't help but relate and enjoy the mean spirited comments he uses to describe a city, a person, or another host on his own network.

As I was watching Tony eat and drink his way through the former Russian controled East Berlin, it hit me. Tony is the "Anti Host". He isn't a sweet and quirky Samantha Brown showing us the best Hotels and cutest cafes to enjoy on our next trip to Paris. No, he's the guy showing us his Dominatrix Hotel in Berlin that he found on the internet. He's not the one pretending to enjoy the latest production from the local starving performance artists. No, he tells us it's dumb as he lights up a cigarette and throws back another beer.

Yes, Tony is cool. Tony is a jerk. And I love him for it. That makes Tony my hero. The next time I travel to Europe, I want to go with Tony. I want to hang with the "Bad Guy".

I like being The Man

I like being the man. You might have noticed that trend with my posts. I don’t like being on time, and I really don’t like working for other people. To be completely honest, I just don’t like being told what to do. Until 4 years ago, I have never had boss. In fact, I didn’t even have to punch a clock. And I liked it that way.

You know what, I really don’t want to do it anymore.

Every so often, I get to take my kids to school. The line into the school sucks. It takes 15 minutes just to make it up to the drop off area. And as I sit there, waiting in line, I find myself being envious of the parents walking their children to school.

I want to be one of those parents. I want to walk my kids to school in the morning. I want to get up early, put on a pot of coffee, and read the paper. I want to come home and open a window from my picturesque office, and work away on my latest book, or at least my blog.

For the past year, I have been working towards that ideal lifestyle. At first, I thought it was for the money. But I know in my heart, the real reason is because I just want to work from home.

How do they do it on tv? Have you ever noticed how much spare time they have? It seems like they never go to work. Now I’m not complaining about my life. I’m not looking for that perfectly fake existence. I just want that option to do what I want to do, when I want to do it.

Is that so bad?

I don't give a shit about your cat!

I want you to try something. See this link right here (NaBloPoMo), click on it.
It’s going to take you to a list of all the blogs that signed up for this social networking expiriment, National Blog Posting Month.

Then go through a sampling of the blogs. You can avoid any of the ones listed under the "Humor" section, because they just aren't humerous whatsoever.

You're welcome.

So after you have clicked on 8 to 10 of them, tell me what you think.

I'll tell you what I think, how many blogs do we need about your kids?

Come on, really? Does every woman in America have a blog about their kids? I'm begining to thing they do. And you know what, I don't care. Really, I couldn't care less about what your kid was for Halloween, or the funniest thing he or she said today. I just don't. And I wonder why so many other women do. It just baffles me.

Second thought, I don't give a shit about your cat! Cat's are stupid. Cats are for the old lady who lives down the street who yells at you every time your ball goes in her yard. And what I understand even less is why anyone would read something at trivial as stories about a fucking cat.

Third, some people are really tellented. Yes, there are some people out there who just get it. They know what to talk about, and how to write about it. Yes, some of them still talk about their family, including their kids. But damn, I wish I could write as well as they do. Do yourself a favor and check out a few of these blogs.


The BHJ
April's Reign
Poop and Boogies
Wipe, Sniff, Toss
Jen Reads the Bible
The Bloggess

Quitters suck

I’m a Bloggin MoFo. 5 days into this torture test, and I'm surviving. Part of this experiment has been thereputic, and part of it has been educational. Throw in a little humor, and dare I say, I’m having a good time.

But what is wrong with everyone else? People are dropping out like pregnant teenage girls. After one week, the've given up. It’s that not that hard is it? This isn’t a diet people, this is real life.

What I find most offensive is the lack of humor from the blogs listed under "humor". There are just to many damn people attempting to be funny that need to stop. Seriously, give it up.

It’s kind of like watching a movie that was labeled as a comedy, and the funniest parts were in the previews. Just because you say it is funny, doesn’t make it funny.

So those people can quit. I don't care. But come on people, stick with it. If I can do it, it can't be too difficult. There is even a time line to get the blog post completed, and I'm doing it. Me, the constant late guy. I am on time.

You know what, it might be better if another group drops out as well. I'll tell you about them tomorrow.

I love to antagonize people

I don’t know how they come to me so fast, but they do. I’m just gifted that way. A kind of stinger guru.

I was looking through the bloglist on BloMoFo, trying to find a blog with something interesting, or dare I say funny to say. I must have gone through 15 or so thus far, and my breasts are starting to feel tender.

My monitor if full of flowers, and pink, and babies. Why is it that the majority of blogs are written by women? (Idea)

I know how to push my wifes buttons. After 15 years, it has become a sick form of entertainment for me. Like when I tell her that O.J. was innocent, and Beyonce is so sexy. It’s like that code work to make one of the $5000 guard dogs attack.

Me: “Why is it that all the blogs are written by women? All the best writers in history have been men”. (I’m trying to hold back the laughter as I say it.)

Babe: “Oh my God, I can’t believe you said that”. “That is so not true”.

Because I am a professional at this, I had my escape planned out before I pulled the trigger. I dropped this gem as I was walking out of the room, because I knew it would drive her crazy, and she would immediately go on the defensive.

The reason I walked out of the room was to laugh, and drive Babe crazy. I knew she would react the way she did. If I hadn‘t made my escape, I would have been caught. I would have start laughing immediately thus completely messed up the entire thing.

I could still hear her talking until I was out of viewing distance. That is when I could start laughing, which I did. I love to antagonize people. It’s so much fun.

Go ahead, give it a try sometime. I bet you will like it.

A new blog, again

It was a class I took in college that made me realize how much I enjoyed writing. The funny thing was, I never wrote anything unless it was required. I just did whatever it took to get by, which was really easy for me. Flash forward a decade or two, I find myself attempting to write on a regular basis. Now I realize why I never did it before, because it’s hard.

The invention of blogging has opened up an entire new world for would be writers. Now anyone with something to say, can type it out for the entire world to see. As I mentioned in my first post, I have done this before. In fact, this is my fourth attempt at creating a blog. My first one got old. My second one started out with bad intentions, and fizzled out. The third is in it’s infancy, and hopefully going to last.

Why did the others fail? I don’t know for sure. I think it was because each one started off with a plan, that ultimately changed. Each one eventually became a calm, and muted form of its once powerful self. As they morphed into their final shape, they had deviated so far from their original plan that I just didn’t enjoy them anymore. The fear of offending someone, or using inappropriate language ultimately stunted the growth. I’m a strong supporter of the 1st Amendment, and I want to be able to express my thoughts and opinions without any reservations.

So what do I hope to get out of this blog? Peace? Enjoyment? A sense of accomplishment? I’m not exactly sure. However, I hope I keep with it, and make this the blog I want it to be. I want this blog to be something I would have been proud of all those years ago in college.

That is my statement, I am sticking to it…this time.

NaBloPoMo

NaBloPoMo - On time is overrated
I don't care that I'm late. Never have. That's just the kind of guy I am. I like to live my life as it comes. I don't like being forced or required to be somewhere at some certain time.

Now don't get me wrong. When the time calls for it, I make sure I'm there on time. For example, I hate to be late for a movie, I never miss the first pitch, an I'm usually on time meetings clients. You know, traffic.

Does the party really start at 8:00, or when I get there. In my opinion, it doesn't start until someone throws up. So did I really need to get there right at 8? Did anyone notice that I was 5 minutes early, or 5 minutes late? No. It didn't matter at all. But everyone remembers when someone throws up.

But I'm a man willing to evolve. This blog is proof of that. Therefore, in an attempt to change my ways, I've signed up for NaBloPoMo. No, it's not some new focus group for the "time challenged" (because I wouldn't show up on time anyway). NaBloPoMo is National Blog Posting Month.

I have agreed to write 30 blog posts over the next 30 days. Yes, I am forcing myself to write a new blog post every day for the entire month of November. What is wrong with me? Over the next 30 days, we both might find out.

3rd time is a charm

"Hello Art, how ya doing? Me? I'm good".

It's 3:45 in the morning, and I am sitting at my computer typing out a message to my high school art teacher. Yep, things are good.

"I was thinking about you today. I was driving around the Sunnyside area, and I remembered that you live around there. Then I started to think about your art show from a couple weeks ago, and how I really wanted to go. Then I started thinking about my art, and the fact that I haven't created much of it lately. In fact, I really haven't created any".

I have been suffering from a lack of creativity as of late. It was ok for a while. I have 1 mortgage, 2 jobs, and 3 kids. That is what I do, and I love it. But more and more, I find myself searching for that creative outlet.

Sure, I sit behind a computer all day playing with Photoshop. It's fun. However, that usually entails cleaning up and color correcting someones else's photos, or if I'm lucky, adding some text and merging a few photos together. And on that rare occasion, I get to make a 64 year old woman look like she's only 35, so she feels better about herself. Or because her last round of plastic surgery couldn't do what I could do. I wish I could get $6000 for a boob job instead of $100 per hour billed in 1/2 hour segments.

I turned 37 this year. I still tell people I'm 35, and I get away with 30 all the time. I still feel like a kid, and if you ask my wife, she will say I act like one too. But lately, I have realized that I am getting older and my outlook on life isn't the same it was even a few years ago.

So what can I do about it? Start a blog? Yep, that's what I did, start a blog.

Actually, I have been blogging for almost a year now. I started off with a blog about my daily adventures in life. It was fun. I talked about anything, and anyone. Yep, even family and friends. It was awesome. On occasion, I would talk about my "adventures" with beer.

I like beer. I like it a lot. Who doesn't? As time went by, I started to write about beer more and more often. Before I knew it, my blog was all about beer. Now, that blog has carved out it's own littls corner of the blogosphere.

Once the transition to beer started, I found myself missing that creative outlet again. I missed writing about other stuff. I really missed talking shit about people, and laughing at others. So I started another blog. Rule number 1, keep your identity a secret. It works for superheros, and it works for bloggers. Because once people find out who you are, it just kills everything.

I set up the second blog after I was constantly asked by all our friends (including the 1000's on Babe's Blog), why I didn't have one of my own. Babe (my wife) has been a blogging superstar for years now. I used to tease her about it. Now look at me. I am trying to run four of them.

I quickly realized that it wasn't as much fun when people knew who you were. I had to watch what I said. I still threw some stingers in there from timt to time, but it just wasn't me. I just couldn't say what I really wanted to say. As a result, I have kind of given up on the second blog, and starting all over here.

Is this my midlife crisis? I don't think so. It can't be, I just sold my sports cars. I'm thinking it is more of an adjustment period. A time to be creative again.

Today is November 1, and I am now live with my new blog. It's going to be about me, and my life. I'm going to change my name and the names of the accused until proven guilty, just to be safe.